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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26955553">Hard to Swallow</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeverlandPixie/pseuds/NeverlandPixie'>NeverlandPixie</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Magicians (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Fen deserved better</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 18:53:53</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,855</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26955553</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeverlandPixie/pseuds/NeverlandPixie</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Fen touches the depression key.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Hard to Swallow</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This might look familiar. I’ve posted this before in a multi chapter story that are a bunch of drabbles, but looking through them again, a few of them deserve to be their own stand alone stories.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Fen doesn’t mean to be a thief. She really doesn’t. But she needs the truth key. And she knows if she were to ask Eliot or Margo for it, they’d ask her why and then she’d have to be honest, and then they’d talk her out of it. She doesn’t want to be talked out of it. Not after how long it took her to talk herself into it. So, she doesn’t mean to be a thief, but she’s going to be one anyway. When Margo and Eliot are distracted, she leaves Fillory through the door and steps into the physical kid cottage.</p>
<p>Thankfully, no one is home. She had a plan, just in case. She’d use an excuse, say she was there to visit Julia. But she doesn’t need it and she sighs in relief. The keys are on the table, all of them numbered, and she almost smacks herself when she remembers she doesn’t know which one the truth key is. All she knows for sure is that it isn’t the first one. She recognizes that one, after all, she went on that quest with Eliot.</p>
<p>She’ll have to guess. She grabs the key marked as number four and looks around. Okay, wrong one. Before she can reach her hand out to touch the one marked number two, she hears the door to the cottage opening and Quentin is walking in. He stops when he sees her and raises his eyebrows in surprise. “Oh. Uh. Hey, Fen. Is everything okay?”</p>
<p>She swallows hard and nods. “Yes, everything is great! I’m just here to see Julia.”</p>
<p>He gives her an apologetic smile. “She’s not here. She and Josh are off somewhere together..I think.”</p>
<p>She gives him her best disappointed look. “Oh, okay. Well..I’m going to go back then.”</p>
<p>Quentin stares at her, skepticism in his eyes. “Right..well, I’ll tell Jules you stopped by.”</p>
<p>“Great, thanks!” Before he can say anything else she’s walking through the clock and back into Fillory. She sighs in relief and turns to walks towards the throne room but when she turns around, she gasps in shock. There’s another her standing in front of her. An exact copy. Except. No. The other her has bags under her eyes and she’s almost frighteningly skinny.</p>
<p>“You stupid bitch.”</p>
<p>Fen stumbles in surprise, her back hitting the wall. “I..”</p>
<p>The other her is staring at her, eyes full of loathing. “How dumb do you have to be to almost get caught by <em>Quentin Coldwater</em>?”</p>
<p>Her head is pounding, still not being able to comprehend what she’s seeing. “Who..what are you?”</p>
<p>The other her smirks. “I’m you, sweetheart. I’m here to point out the truth.”</p>
<p><em>The truth</em>. Fen repeats that a few times in her head. So she had touched the right key. “The truth.” She echoes back.</p>
<p>The other her sighs in annoyance. “Are you deaf too?”</p>
<p>Fen still can’t fully understand what she’s seeing. It doesn’t make sense. But, she supposes, none of the keys really make sense. “I don’t understand. I thought..I thought I’d see-“</p>
<p>“Your dead daughter?”</p>
<p>The interruption is like a slap in the face and suddenly her throat is dry. “Yes.”</p>
<p>The other her sneers at her. “And what? Did you think someone would tell you that it wasn’t your fault? That she’s fine now? I can tell you that she isn’t. She died knowing she was nothing but a pawn, that her own father didn’t even love her. And that her mother was dumb enough to believe a fairy.” The other her walks closer to her, cornering her. “You were so desperate for a family that you ignored logic. You wanted Fray to be your daughter so badly that you didn’t even question it.”</p>
<p>Fen feels frozen. She wants to run, wants to protest, but she can’t. Her chest is tight and she’s fighting back tears. If she could, she’d go back in time, tell herself never to touch that key. But she can’t. In a way, she thinks, she deserves this. She asked for it, after all. “I-“</p>
<p>“Fen!” Margo cuts her off and both versions of her immediately look at the High Queen. “There you are. Me and El need you in this,” She trails off, noticing that something is clearly off about her. “Is everything okay?”</p>
<p>The other her turns and smirks. “Go ahead, tell her. Tell her how stupid you are.”</p>
<p>Fen swallows the lump in her throat and gives Margo her best fake smile. “Of course.”</p>
<p>Margo doesn’t look convinced, but she doesn’t press. “Okay. Well, me and El need you in this meeting. There’s a bunch of bullshit we don’t understand. And honestly I think Eliot is to drunk right now to even try.”</p>
<p>Fen nods and when Margo turns, she follows behind her. The other her laughs. It’s mean and hollow, nothing like her own, and she does her best to ignore it.</p>
<hr/>
<p>When they get to the throne room, Fen can see that Margo is right, Eliot is drunk. Too drunk. Almost to the point of passing out. Margo sits next to him at the table and Fen sits next to her. The other her sits on top of the table, right between her and Margo.</p>
<p>Fen tries her best to listen to what the council is saying so she can help, but the only thing she can focus on is the other her tapping her fingers on the table. “They don’t care about you, you know.” The other her stands from the table and walks over to Eliot. “There was never a chance he was going to love you. All you do is make him miserable. He’s relieved, you know. That she’s dead.”</p>
<p>Fen’s ears are ringing now, in an almost painful way. The other her walks back towards her and stands between her and Margo. “You certainly are nice to the bitch that traded your daughter to the fairies. What would she think, if she saw you? You have no spine, Fen.”</p>
<p>As the ringing grows louder, her breath becomes shorter, her chest tightening, and then the other her is leaning next to her, whispering in her ear. “Dying was the best thing that could have happened to her.”</p>
<p>The world collapses.</p>
<p>Fen stands from the table, barely muttering an apology before she’s running from the room. She doesn’t know how long she runs before she collapses onto her knees in an empty hallway and begins to sob. The other her is grinning ear to ear, and then Fen is thinking about her knives. Thinking about how easy it would be to end all of this. Her blades are sharp. It would be painful but it would be fast and-</p>
<p>“Fen!” Margo’s voice stops her train of thought and the other girl is kneeling in front of her. “Fucking shit, what happened back there?”</p>
<p>She can only let out a choked sob in response. “Fen, honey.” Margo touches her shoulder and it’s grounding in a way. Her voice is gentler now. “What happened?”</p>
<p>Fen leans back against the wall, hot tears still dripping down her face. “I fucked up.”</p>
<p>Margo’s face scrunches in confusion. “What do you mean?”</p>
<p>The other her gives her a sharp glare. “Don’t tell her.”</p>
<p>It takes everything, but Fen ignores her. “I touched the truth key. I just..I just wanted to know about my baby. I thought maybe..” She trails off, looking away from Margo. “It..it created another me. Except she’s different. Mean. She’s saying all these awful things and-“ Fen covers her mouth and let’s out a hiccuping sob. “I guess I asked for this, right? I wanted the truth, I got it.”</p>
<p>Margo’s face has gotten more and more worried as Fen talks. “Oh, fuck.” She grabs Fen’s cheeks, makes her look at her. “Fen, you didn’t touch the truth key.”</p>
<p>Fen looks in her eyes, clearly not believing her. “But-“</p>
<p>Margo shakes her head, silencing her. “You touched the depression key. It makes some sort of fucked up copy of you that’s basically all your dark thoughts and feelings made physical.”</p>
<p>Fen doesn’t know wether to be relieved or even more upset. “Oh my..it’s saying so many horrible things. Am I thinking those things? I don’t..Margo, I can’t..It’s telling me my baby is better off dead.”</p>
<p>When Margo pulls her into a hug, she’s so shocked it takes her a minute to hug her back. “It’s lying.”</p>
<p>It’s only two words, but they hold so much meaning and then Fen is crying again, clutching onto Margo like she’s the only thing keeping her grounded. “It’s saying I’m a terrible mother, that I’m stupid, that none of you care about me. That she’s dead because of me.”</p>
<p>Margo pulls away gently, but there’s a harshness in her eyes. “What a crock of shit.” She sits next to Fen and takes her hand. “Fen, you would have been a wonderful mother. Look how you were with Fray. How you still are with her, even now when you know she isn’t yours. And don’t ever think we don’t care about you. Yeah, when we first met you, me and El weren’t happy, but now I don’t think either of us can imagine you not being in our lives. And you know Julia cares, too. Fen, if anything, it’s my fault. I traded your baby, not you. It was fucked up and I never apologized but Fen, I am so, so sorry.”</p>
<p>Fen squeezes her hand and Margo gently presses her head so she leans her head on her shoulder. “It’s okay. We’re going to get rid of it.”</p>
<p>The entire time, the other her has been glaring and shouting that Margo is full of shit, but Fen isn’t listening. “How?”</p>
<p>For a minute, Margo is silent before she speaks again. “We’ll make one of the prisoners touch the key. Find the worst person in the dungeon and then make sure no one touches it again.”</p>
<p>She’s okay with that. Fen closes her eyes, her body relaxing slightly. “Can we stay here for a few minutes?”</p>
<p>Margo kisses her head in response and that’s all Fen needs. “If you want, I can get you the truth the key.”</p>
<p>Fen immediately shakes her head. “No. No, I..I’d rather not know.”</p>
<p>At that, Margo tightens her grip on Fen’s hand. “Okay.”</p>
<hr/>
<p>If Fen had touched the truth key, she would’ve been shown a vision of the goddess Demeter holding her daughter in her arms. Demeter would have reassured her that her daughter is safe, and warm, and knows how much Fen loves her. She would have made sure Fen knew there was nothing she did wrong, nothing she could have done to prevent the passing of her daughter. She would’ve promised her that her daughter felt no pain when she died, she simply went to sleep. And with an ever so soft touch to her stomach, she would have sworn to Fen that she will have another chance, someday. With someone who is bound to her through true love, not through a blood test.</p>
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